here i am again...
at the end of another long relationship, a few days from what would have been a year. he gave me a second chance. i gave him a second chance. but at the end of it all what was left? what was the price of a year?
no one should have to go through what we went through. shaun and i moved in together within a month of starting our relationship. that was nice... but inevitably, it screwed everything up. i thought a little distance might help. i'd like to think he did too, but at this point i don't know what the fuck is going on in his head. i only wish i did. but would it have helped? i don't know.
all i know is this: it wasn't enough. nothing either of us did was enough.
i wanted him around more. i wanted him to try more. my biggest complaint was that i was always kept at arms length. he kept telling me "we're not married." like it meant that he didn't have to let me in, or try, or care about what i thought. but after a year..? i still didn't even rate total honesty. everything was always in a veil of secrecy. and he wasn't really around much either. i mean, when we lived together there's only so much distance you can create. but even then he was distant. and afterward? forget about it! i never fucking saw him after i moved in. then a month later he comes out and apologizes. says he "ruined a perfectly good thing" because he was scared. that didn't stop him from ruining it a second time around.
for some absence makes the heart grow fonder. for me a month and a half is too fucking long to not see the person that you love. especially when you can fucking help it. i guess a month and a half didn't mean anything to him. wait that's right, i shouldn't assume anything about the way he thinks or feels cause i don't know shit about it! most people would say that's not right in a relationship. i'd be inclined to agree with them. but it's not like i didn't fucking try here.
so at the end of the day (or year) what do i have? what's left for me? what do i walk away with?
well, the knowledge that i BLEW a couple grand that i could have saved on myself but instead spent on food, gas, groceries, laundry, and goodies for him. the knowledge that yet another one fell through the cracks. that for the second time i've loved a loser and defended him when no one else would only to realize that everything everyone warned me about turned out to be true. i realize that again i've put in more of myself than the other person did. that i cared more, or at least seemed to. that once more i've surpassed another human being. i have drive! i have ambitions! i'm willing to work hard to achieve them. and once more it was not a shared expectation.
what else do i have? memories.
good memories. some that i won't share because my mother does read this journal. but fond ones nonetheless. dinner at the argentinian steak house. breakfast... every day we ate it. dunkin donuts. game nights. and what time we did actually spend together. lounging around the house. going to the movies. those little times when it was just us.
i'm not going to lie. i miss them. i miss him. i love him a great deal and only time will heal this emptiness i feel. i wish it didn't have to end this way. i wish to goddess that he'd done something... anything... to convince me that i should still care. still love him. still wait by the phone. if he'd just tried. i would. if he'd just acted like it meant anything i would. but justifying yourself doesn't make me believe you give a damn.
i love him, but i won't hurt anymore. i won't watch the days go by and measure them in absence instead of anticipation. i don't want to spend the rest of my life looking forward to the time we won't spend together. so i won't. i won't think of him. won't remember him fondly until later on, when i doesn't hurt to think of him anymore.
i wish i could say i wasn't crying. i am. something will make me cry. something little like the 20 or so mini orange juices i've got stocked in my fridge that i saved just for him. or the fact that his birthday's tomorrow. and our first anniversary is in four days. i know i'll cry. i know i'll miss him. i know i'll think of something that should make me smile and cry instead because it will never happen again. i know i'm crying right now.
love's funny like that. but i've always held to the idea that "the more you hurt. the more you loved." call me crazy, but that's what i believe.
now, less into the ether. more to shaun:
i want my key back. i took my card off your WoW account. i miss you. i love you. i tried.
if you take nothing from any of what i've just said then take this... i still believe in you! i know you could accomplish a great deal. you just need to want to try. just trying won't be enough. you have to want to succeed in order to do it. i know you can. and even after everything in the past year that's led to this day i still have faith in you. i believe in you if you would only believe in yourself.
yours truly... if only for a year,
the bearer of broken hearts and broken souls
|comments: continue to love?|